Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes