toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.


[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.


Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.


You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”


Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.