@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

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@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@theriouthly

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.