@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

You Might Also Like

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

@better_off_dad

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@ashmensch

[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.