toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
How it started: How it’s going:
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”