toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
You know…for fall…
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks