toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I self medicate, therefore you live.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
😂😂
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
wtf is a larm clock?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.