@mommywhitfield

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

You Might Also Like

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

@ScottLinnen

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

@blade_funner

[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda…playing…ukulele

@MrEd_EVH

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

@PaperWash

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

@salamingia

Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up