english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’ve never dropped acid. I always get it in my mouth on the first try
[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Hi, is your resort child friendly?
Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?