*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.