Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.