Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘