If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
#ParentingFacts
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀