An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.