Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

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If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.


The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left


*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*


Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.


If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.