Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.