gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
ACED my prostate exam!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
lmfao
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.