Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: