“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
You Might Also Like
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?