Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.

You Might Also Like


“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk


Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.


All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-


My presents felt


Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo


Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.


🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.