Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Air pods looking like an angry frog
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
It’s the weekend y’all
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.