@turtledumplin

Told 9 to get a cup from the kitchen
He got up,walked 2 the kitchen, came back sat on the couch cuz he 4got what he was doing

Yep he’s mine

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@ianpauldukes

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

@McNevich

Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

@Aikiwomannc

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

@68Cly29

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

@mrsmith196645

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@iTomFoolery

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

@daemonic3

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect