“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Told 9 to get a cup from the kitchen
He got up,walked 2 the kitchen, came back sat on the couch cuz he 4got what he was doing
Yep he’s mine
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Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field
me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”