My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
checking out some reviews of my local library
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Sell your car
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*