Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.