Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Sell your car

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull