[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You Might Also Like
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.