Their fitness instructor is very short.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.