Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations