Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You Might Also Like
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*jazz hands*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.