Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones