*baby takes first step*
wow took you long enough
Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.
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[first episode of tv show]
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?