@coldlippdheresy

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.

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@ronnui_

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

@LeBearGirdle

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

@minkpinkustink

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

@perlhack

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?