Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Who’s your best friend?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’