SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The first matador
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.