Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
This is me 🤣🤣
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.