Told my daughter to clean her bedroom closet so she walked over, shut the door and said, “Ta-da,” like some kind of 4th grade HGTV star.

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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.


I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.


My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit


me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic


me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop


You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.


cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing