@Dad_At_Law

Told my daughter to clean her bedroom closet so she walked over, shut the door and said, “Ta-da,” like some kind of 4th grade HGTV star.

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@GingerHotDish

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

@OneFunnyMummy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

@stfuIol

cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing