Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
synchronized noseblowing
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy