I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
You Might Also Like
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again