Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I will never stop laughing at this
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer