Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The “research” scene in every horror movie
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“no gods no masters” = leo
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.