told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
happy valentine’s day to me
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.