@TheEighthKnight

Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high
she looked surprised.

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@Ygrene

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

@JacobAWare

The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.

@natechartier1

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

@DC_Draino

Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”

Me after my 2nd Scotch…

@ipalatsky

it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.

@sidleykate

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

@gracearnprie

my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time