Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high
she looked surprised.
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
“I’m not sure yet”
The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”
Me after my 2nd Scotch…
it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time