told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
How to wake up a Beagle
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”