@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

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@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@TweeterRead

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…

@noogscorner

Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.

@Keefler_Elf

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes

@mydmac

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

@Reverend_Scott

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?