Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Swedish for common sense.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
meow
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I need this for my side hustle.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.