@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

You Might Also Like

@ceejoyner

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

@serialstealer

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

@juliareinstein

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

@ericsshadow

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

@Writepop

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.