oh. my god
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My purse is deeper than some people.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.