Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.


My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…


Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.


i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more


*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*


Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes


I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.


Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?