God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.
Me: but 10 is more than 7.
4: ok, then 6 minutes
Me: …you got a deal
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*