told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?


USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”


Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal


Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?


WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT


When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.


ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*