told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
How wrong was this guy?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.