Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …


The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons


Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass


How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt


A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.


Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.


the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”


“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.


I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.