Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I created you as mosquito food.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Still my favourite meme.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.