Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.