Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.

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Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation


My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.


Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.


If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British


Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.


Girlfriend: Ok you hang up 🙂
Boyfriend: No You hang up first 🙂
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.