Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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The options really are this bad
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.