Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.