Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
“I’m glad to see you”
21: awesome bro, I got this
30: seriously? whatever
35: this is really getting old
40: WILL YOU MARRY ME
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.