@kay_bee28

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

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@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@david8hughes

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@longwall26

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@UnFitz

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@ok_one_more

I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.