Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…
And now we wait.
I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”
& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.