@kay_bee28

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

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@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@CeruleanGates

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

@lecalabara

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

@ficklenuts

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175