Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Oceanography is all about current events
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.