@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

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@1Happytwit

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

@BrandonEsWolf

Maryland from a practical standpoint is arguably the worst state-shaped charcuterie board