Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“my eye is up here”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Maryland from a practical standpoint is arguably the worst state-shaped charcuterie board
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no