
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Maryland from a practical standpoint is arguably the worst state-shaped charcuterie board
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no