@wendchymes
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
@TheDrunkJake
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
@SweetLoveMsg
Harry potter.
@bridger_w
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
@joeljeffrey
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
@McNarstle
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
@prufrockluvsong
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
@Illuminati_Stop
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
@AsgardianRose
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
@avainwordland
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
@CulturedRuffian
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: