@1Happytwit
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
@wendchymes
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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@1Happytwit
@RodLacroix
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
@Tbone7219
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
@JKNenagh
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
@AndyAsAdjective
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
@PaperWash
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
@MoistPork
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
@Reverend_Scott
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
@BrandonEsWolf
Maryland from a practical standpoint is arguably the worst state-shaped charcuterie board
@TheAndrewNadeau
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no