Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
File under excellent bookstore names.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.