Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69