@Plexomatic

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day

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@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.