Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day
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They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Who says great literature is dead?