Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
TRAIN’S HERE
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Become ungovernable.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.