Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Day 2 of my diet