told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
You Might Also Like
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*