@AlexAndersonMD

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

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@TheBoydP

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

@TheHyyyype

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

@Taller_stories

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.