Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
You Might Also Like
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My beach vacation Google searches
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall