Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky